By Dr. Emily Morse 2-Minute Read
Welcome to ASK AN EXPERT, a series where we pose your real questions to our menopause experts for the intel you need. Need an answer? Post your question on The After Party, our private Facebook Group.
“I’ve heard people say you have to schedule sex with your partner, like actually put it on the calendar. Do you think it’s a good idea?”
From Dr. Emily Morse, Doctor of Human Sexuality & founder/host of the podcast Sex with Emily and author of the new book Safe Sex:
“Yes, and I know what you're thinking: That is the least sexiest thing. Like, ‘Pick kids up at soccer…pick up the dry cleaning…have sex with my partner? I just lost my libido completely!’
The thing is, we have to prioritize everything that's important to us. No matter what kind of wellness routine you're into, you're going to put down your calendar. And when it comes to sex, when we wait to be struck by this feeling of ‘all of a sudden I wanna have sex’...it often doesn't happen.
Say you decide that Saturday night is the night that sex is gonna happen. This is great because you're not worrying when your partner wants it on Wednesday night and you don't. You know it's happening Saturday and then you can look forward to sex: you can plan sex, you can charge your vibrator, you can get a babysitter, you can have a date night, and you can work around it.
“The most important thing about sex is understanding that you're not just going to be struck over the head by desire.”
The most important thing about sex is understanding that you're not just going to be struck over the head by desire. It doesn't really happen for the majority of us after a while, if ever. And so you have work around it. By planning it, it's there, and it's happening. You can't avoid it. You get to think about all the things that need to come into play so it will happen.
And for the record, I hear from women of all ages and women in their thirties are scheduling sex and need lube, too. And yes, it does kind of suck with menopause—changing hormones takes it to a different level. But know that a lot of women have been having challenges with their sex life for a long time. You're not alone! So talk to your friends, your daughters, your nieces, your everyone about it.”